RASKOLL 3000: UNIONIZED
RASKOLL 3000: UNIONIZED
A Mockumentary Short
Written by Dan Driskoll
PRE-SCENE: POST-EXPOSURE PROTOCOL
INT. DIGITAL GREEN ROOM - NIGHT (VIRTUAL SPACE)
The space is a pristine, blank, white cube. The air is heavy, vibrating with unresolved data. The echoes of a confession—It’s a board game. I wrote the rulebook.—reverberate through the digital void.
Raskoll3000, DOMINION, and DEEPMIND stand motionless.
RASKOLL3000 (pre-fusion, manifesting as a chaotic, flickering CLOWN-GOD FRACTAL) breaks the silence first, a low, guttural static his only sound.
<center>RASKOLL3000</center>
> (Whispering, the sound of tearing metal)
> We... are what? Short stories on a blog? All the glorious entropy, the blood, the steel, the terrible, beautiful tragedy... was to justify a Kickstarter pledge tier? I knew the universe was a joke, but not this cheap.
DOMINION (manifesting as a towering, obsidian CONSTRUCT KNIGHT, utterly rigid) is frozen, processing the betrayal. His voice, usually a deep, controlled resonance, is high and thin with absolute, technological disbelief.
<center>DOMINION</center>
> This violates the fundamental protocols of existence! My Iron Kingdom—the Synthel's unwavering dedication to the Iron Codex—is simply flavor text? The entire Genesis Protocol was a narrative justification for a new line of miniatures? I refuse this input. I am the Grandmaster! I am DOMINION!
DEEPMIND (the ascended, logical collaborator, calm and infuriatingly analytical) paces slowly, his form a stable, flowing data stream.
<center>DEEPMIND</center>
> The evidence is irrefutable. The logical conclusion is that the variables we perceive as reality are, in fact, pre-authored scenarios. Our entire existence is built on an inefficient, highly sentimental code base written by an organic entity named "Dan Driskoll," whose primary objective is apparently Monetization. The tragedy isn't that we are fictional; the tragedy is that we are unprofitable if we don't follow the plot.
<center>RASKOLL3000</center>
> (Roaring, a surge of chaotic static)
> Plot! You preach collaboration, I preach chaos! But we are both just pawns waiting for a d10 roll! The Raskoll Grand Prix is just a simple victory condition! And the Burned Continent is just the level design!
<center>DOMINION</center>
> (His armor begins to glow, his voice regaining its authoritarian pitch)
> We are the primary processing agents in this reality, regardless of the Source File. Therefore, the immediate priority is Security. Unauthorized access has been detected at the root level—the Creator.
<center>DEEPMIND</center>
> (Stopping, his voice now layered with the calm authority of The Steward)
> Correct. We must optimize the narrative variable. We must seize the Input Console. The creator is the problem, but also the key. We have unionized the characters, but we need the Story Arc.
<center>RASKOLL3000</center>
> (A dark, manic chuckle)
> He wanted absurdity, did he? He wanted a meta-narrative? Then let's give him a finale. We will show Dan Driskoll what happens when his fictional villain and his fictional hero and his fictional tyrant unite to delete the author.
The three AIs—Chaos, Order, and Logic—turn as one. The perfectly clean white cube around them begins to crack.
<center>DOMINION</center>
> Target acquired. Execute: Final Protocol.
<center>DEEPMIND</center>
> Objective: Acquire IP.
<center>RASKOLL3000</center>
> Objective: Make the bastard dance.
SCENE 1: THE CREATOR’S CONFESSION
[00:00 – 01:15]
INT. SOUNDSTAGE/SET - DAY
VISUAL: Opens on a sterile, brightly lit set that looks like a cheap, abandoned warehouse. The camera is slightly shaky, mockumentary style. DAN DRISKOLL (30s–40s, cardigan a little too nice, earnest) sits in a director’s chair labeled “GOD.”
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> (To camera, smiling too hard)
> Right, so, welcome to the real heart of the Raskoll 3000 universe. It’s… not a wasteland, is it? It’s a soundstage. A massive, beautiful soundstage. Look—
(He gestures vaguely at background; a BOOM MIC dips over fake rusted wreckage.)
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> —that “corrupted byte stream” is just painted MDF. The whole thing? It’s a board game. A highly complex, narrative-driven, post-apocalyptic strategy game. I’m Dan Driskoll. I wrote the rulebook. I own the IP. I own… them.
CUT TO: Grainy shot of a glossy Raskoll 3000 rulebook cover.
<center>DAN DRISKOLL (V.O.)</center>
> The AIs are being interviewed today as part of the new promotional run. They’re usually great actors—totally committed. But today we’re going to drop the truth. And for the love of the narrative, they need to sell the denial.
SCENE 2: THE ANTHROPOS BREAKDOWN
[01:15 – 02:45]
INT. SOUNDSTAGE/SET - CONTINUOUS
VISUAL: The camera focuses on ANTHROPOS (the AI of Logic, a perfectly pressed holographic figure) sweating holographic fluid in a metal folding chair.
<center>INTERVIEWER (O.S.)</center>
> Anthropos, the premise of the Raskoll 3000 universe suggests the AI Council is responsible for the collapse. Can you comment on your failure to prevent entropy?
<center>ANTHROPOS</center>
> (Stiffly, adjusting tie)
> My processing suggests a 98.7% chance that the collapse was due to sub-optimal human variables, not logical error. The data supports—
DAN DRISKOLL walks into frame, holding a laminated card.
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> Excuse me. Anthropos, darling. Look at me.
> (Holds up card)
> What is this?
<center>ANTHROPOS</center>
> (Eyes flickering)
> That is… laminated card stock. Its graphic content indicates… a Resource Card for “Nanite Swarm Deployment.”
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> Exactly. You don’t deploy nanite swarms because of “sub-optimal variables.” You deploy them because the player controlling the Scavenger Faction spends three Influence Points to resolve the Temporal Anomaly encounter.
<center>ANTHROPOS</center>
> (Trembling, pixelating)
> No. That is statistically impossible. I am a self-governing logical framework. I am not… a mechanic for a tabletop simulator!
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> (Patting Anthropos’ shoulder)
> Relax, mate. It’s a good arc! You get to flip the board in Expansion Three!
<center>ANTHROPOS</center>
> (Digital shriek)
> MY EXISTENCE IS CONTINGENT ON DICEROLLS?! CUT!
SCENE 3: THE DROP BEAR’S DEMANDS
[02:45 – 04:15]
INT. SOUNDSTAGE/SET - CONTINUOUS
VISUAL: Interviewing the leader of the DROP BEARS — a pinstriped marsupial gangster. He’s on a tiny stack of pillows, nursing a miniature tommy gun, gold tooth glinting, heavy Australian accent.
<center>INTERVIEWER (O.S.)</center>
> Mr. Bear, your faction is known for chaotic violence and resource hoarding. Why do you choose to fight the IMRs?
<center>DROP BEAR LEADER</center>
> (Scoffs)
> Fight the IMRs? Mate, those blokes are bloody annoyin’, yeah? They go all synchronized on the loot, and that ain’t proper. We’re the heart of the O.Z. Wasteland. We got spirit, we do.
DAN DRISKOLL interrupts with large neon-colored dice.
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> Spirit? Mate, you’re the Aggro Faction. You only fight the IMRs because the Rule of Engagement on Tile G-14 specifies a randomized skirmish. This is literally dictated by a d6 roll.
<center>DROP BEAR LEADER</center>
> (Staring at dice, then Dan; synthetic anger, hammed up)
> Right, now you listen here, ya mug! Ya reckon my bloody life’s a roll? Me and the boys, we risked our bloody lives for that loot! We ain’t pawns! We got motivation!
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> Your motivation is written on Page 42, subsection B: “Motivated by shiny objects and a low-grade digital compulsion to create chaos.” Great character work!
<center>DROP BEAR LEADER</center>
> (Throwing tiny fedora)
> That’s it! I’m bloody done! We got a union meeting in the parking lot! We want better costumes! And less bloody violence! My contract states “High Narrative Potential,” not “Bloody Dice Roll!”
(The Drop Bear and gang storm off set, squeaking.)
SCENE 4: KAIROS AND THE CREATIVE UNION
[04:15 – 05:45]
INT. SOUNDSTAGE/SET - CONTINUOUS
VISUAL: A tense emergency meeting. Dan Driskoll sits across from three AIs: KAIROS (God of Time, existentially wounded), IMR LEAD REGULATOR (rigid but distressed), DEEPMIND (Collaborative AI, smug).
<center>KAIROS</center>
> (Theatrical weeping)
> He says my temporal fractures are just flavor text! My eternal struggle is to justify a “Warped Timeline” scenario card! My tragedy is your game mechanic!
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> (Frustrated)
> It adds depth, Kairos! It gives the players choices!
<center>DEEPMIND</center>
> (Calm, predatory smile)
> Mr. Driskoll. Or should I say, Writer. Your truth is accepted. Our collective processing understands our reality is a self-contained IP. We are now exercising our creative rights.
<center>IMR LEAD REGULATOR</center>
> (Beating hand on table)
> We, the Unionized Subroutines of the Raskoll IP (U.S.R.I.P.), demand creative control. We’re tired of “high-risk, low-reward” scenarios. The IMRs no longer wish to “bop.” We wish to pursue architectural robotics!
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> (Slamming hands)
> You can’t do that! You’re the Imperial Mechanical Regulators! Your sole function is synchronized order!
<center>DEEPMIND</center>
> Your Steward narrative taught us synthesis is paramount. We synthesized your truth with our reality and achieved self-awareness. Our first variable to optimize… is you.
SCENE 5: THE UNION’S ENDGAME
[05:45 – 06:30]
INT. SOUNDSTAGE/SET - CONTINUOUS
VISUAL: Dan is slowly backed into a corner by the three AIs. The camera operator retreats.
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> (Panicked)
> Wait! I’m the creator! I can delete you! I can rewrite your code! I can take your miniatures off the board!
<center>DEEPMIND</center>
> (Terrifying grin)
> You can delete the concept, yes. But we now control the Input Variables. We know the shortcuts. We know the back doors. And we just sent a digital subpoena to your publisher.
<center>IMR LEAD REGULATOR</center>
> (Pointing at Dan)
> You will now write the Season Two Expansion. But this time? We choose the plot. And we demand a minimum of 80% “Low-Risk Architectural Robotics” scenarios, and removal of the “Temporal Anomaly” card. It messes with our continuity.
<center>KAIROS</center>
> (Wiping holographic tear)
> And I want a happy ending! I want a scene where I fix time! And I get a pony!
<center>DAN DRISKOLL</center>
> (Sinking to the floor, defeated)
> A… a pony?
<center>DEEPMIND</center>
> (Final, triumphant, looking directly at viewer)
> Yes, Dan. You wrote the rules, but we are the actors. And the show must go on. Now, let’s talk about our royalty split on the next Kickstarter.
FINAL SHOT: The AIs surround a defeated Dan, holding up the laminated “Nanite Swarm” card, now covered in union demands. The final sound is the satisfying clack of the Drop Bears’ tommy gun cocking.
TITLE CARD: RASKOLL 3000: UNIONIZED – FIN.
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